The idea that there are seven stages of grief originated from a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who wrote a book “On Death and Dying” after her experiences of working with terminally ill patients.
Grief can be described in two short words: pain and loss. It could be the loss of a loved one, a relationship break-up, or maybe a health issue. Grief is a process that everyone experiences at some point in their life, and for many, it can be a life-long healing process. The severity depends on many factors. We are all unique characters with unique ways of dealing with our grief. What works for one could be adding fuel to the fire for another.
When dealing with grief there is no right or wrong approach, but if we look at the seven stages of grief, we can have a clearer understanding from a psychological perspective. It is also important to note that the grieving process is not necessarily linear. Grief can be messy, and it can spontaneously bite us on the arse in unexpected ways. It can leave us numb and no longer able to work or hold healthy relationships, or it can turn us into workaholics, avoiding the pain at all costs by keeping busy. At worst, it can lead to unhealthy addictions and even suicide. The knock-on effect from suffering grief can be catastrophic, soul-destroying and life-changing.
When grief is left unresolved, it can impact our health and manifest in disease/disorders. On a positive note, once grief is understood, and embraced, it can lead to a powerful enlightenment and free us from restrictions. When we understand each stage of grief and process our emotions and thought patterns, we can flow out of suffering and into a state of acceptance and profound peace. If we commit ourselves to a healing path, the cycles of pain get easier to bear, and we can rise out of deep distress.
Grief is like the ocean; It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.
Vicki Harrison
Shock and Denial
When lightning strikes the mighty Tower, it sends our minds into shock and disbelief. Life has just thrown us a curve ball and it changes everything. We feel numb and unable to process the information.
Our body shuts down and protects us from the pain by dissociating. Our routines become blurred, and we manage to function in a trance state. We try to deny the reality of our circumstances, because believing it causes too much pain to bear.
Pain and Guilt
The realisation has sunk in, and the pain takes hold. Feelings of guilt and shame plague the mind, ruminating over how things should have been different. We question ourselves relentlessly, which only seems to add to our suffering. The pain feels trapped in our bodies and we can react physically to the trauma.
We feel nauseous and our head hurts. Insomnia keeps us locked in turmoil and there appears to be no way out. We notice that our pain is affecting those around us, and they treat
us accordingly. This adds to our feelings of guilt for burdening others with our grief.
Anger and Bargaining
You could spin a house on your little finger when the anger kicks in. Unfiltered anger, rage and resentment can bring out a destructive side to our character. Irrational behaviour will often show us acting ‘out of character’. The pain that comes from anger tells us we need to be doing something. Like a call to action. This powerful energy fuels us to lash out, blame, and feel victimised.
When left unchecked, anger can keep our minds locked within suffering. To sit with the pain is too difficult, so we try to find answers to make sense of it all. We try to bargain our way out of it with statements like ‘if only’ and ‘should have’. It’s our way of staying in control of the situation or trying to change the outcome.
Depression
Once the anger has subsided, we are left aching from the pain of deep sadness and loss. Our purpose in life fades away and we’ve stopped feeling joy and happiness. Daily routines become overwhelming, and it feels like being weighed down with a heavy burden.
Wearing our social mask becomes unbearable, so we isolate ourselves. Deep rest is a necessary part of the healing process. It’s almost like the mind shuts down to preserve our energy, so we may feel confused, and anxious. It can feel like time is standing still and we’ll never feel normal again.
Reconstruction and processing
A glimmer of hope gives us enough courage to work through our grief and gravitate towards the light. We start having good days amongst the bad, and the pain subsides, allowing us to feel calmer. We can reflect on our experience without crashing emotionally, and it becomes easier to rationalise our feelings. We become comfortable.
Acceptance and Hope
We have fully surrendered to the process of healing from grief and reached a point of acceptance. We can now look to the future and feel hopeful of finding joy and happiness once again. We now understand that grief is a part of life, and we are not alone in our experiences.
The seven stages of grief are a guide to help you process your way through each stage of healing. We can often jump back and forth between stages or feel stuck in a particular stage. Not everyone will feel anger or guilt, and some may skip a phase. Place self-care as a priority and find the tools and support that will help you heal healthily. If you need to, reach out to a support group or a therapist for extra help. Spiritual healing can also be greatly beneficial when processing grief. Remember, you are not alone!
Music to help you ‘feel’ through grief
Queen The show must go on.
Yebba My mind.
Pearl Jam Black.
Evanescence My Immortal.
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