Healing from Trauma and Abuse in a narcissistic relationship...
I think it’s fair to say I’m an easy-going guy and pretty laid back. I like to help people out and make life easier for them if I can. I wouldn’t say I like confrontation; I’d rather avoid it if possible. Life is too short to hold a grudge, so I forgive easily. Those I love are my priority, and I make sure their needs are met before mine. I didn’t realise it at the time, but these qualities made me an easy target for the female narcissist.
When I met my ex-wife, she played the victim so well it would be worthy of an Oscar. I fell for it! I believed her stories and did my best to give her a life that would bring her happiness. After years of trying, nothing worked. Everything I did was thrown back at me with constant criticisms and ultimatums of Change, or I’ll leave! I couldn’t have my own mind, and I was no longer the man I used to be. In fact, I didn’t know who I was anymore. All I had left was my work.
When she said she wanted children, I thought it might perhaps bring the relationship closer. But it only gave her a tighter grip on me. When my daughter and son were born, it changed everything for me. I had a responsibility to them, so I stepped up to give them a good life. I owned a small welding business which gave us a comfortable life, just as she wanted. But it was never enough. The only time I found peace was at work or when I was alone with the children. I used to dread going home as I never knew what mood she’d be in or if I’d pissed her off for some unknown reason. It made me on edge all the time.
I loved being around my children, and seeing them happy made me happy. I would have done anything for them. To outsiders, we were a normal, happy family. But the cracks were starting to appear, and I noticed a pattern in her behaviour. She would sulk, sometimes for days, giving me the silent treatment. I’d have to work out what I’d done to upset her, but mostly I was left feeling confused. Whenever we tried to resolve an argument, it always reverted to me, and everything was my fault.
She would put on an act in front of friends and family, presenting herself as a sweet and caring wife, but as soon as we were alone again, she’d return to her bad mood. She didn’t have any genuine friendships, and she was bitter and jealous of anyone who had a good life. I had to listen to her insult my friends and family, then watch her be friendly towards them as though she really liked them. Her public face was opposite her real face.
I was walking on eggshells daily, constantly pacifying her to keep the peace. She wanted control over everything, and there were consequences if I tried to make a stand. I got to the point where I didn’t feel anything anymore. I’d become numb to it all, and my feelings towards her were crushed. I was done! I love my children, but I had to get out of the whole situation, mostly for their sake. This was no way to be around children.
I moved out into a rented property but ensured the family household finances were taken care of. There was no going back, so I filed for divorce. What followed is very difficult to explain to anyone who has never encountered such a woman. She had always warned me that if I left, she would destroy me, and that is exactly what she set out to do.
Contact with my children was on her terms when it suited her. Even though I was being amicable with her every demand, she remained abusive. She told lies to her solicitor, to the police, and the children’s services. I was struggling to defend myself against these allegations as I had no proof of her behaviour. It was her word against mine. I tried to maintain a relationship with my children, but it was very difficult with all the stress, and it was apparent they were being affected too.
Two and a half years had passed since we separated, and the divorce was still ongoing. She was delaying everything and creating problems for no reason. I’d met a new partner and decided it was time for her to meet my children, as you do when you move on. I was torn in two at that time, as I knew my soon to be ex-wife would probably throw a fit if I introduced the children to a new woman. But I wanted to have a life with my new partner, so I went ahead and planned a day out. Although the children were a little nervous initially, they soon settled, and we all had a lovely day together. I hadn’t seen them that happy in a long time. Unfortunately, that was the last day I took my children out.
Their mother cut contact and refused to allow me anywhere near them, not even a phone call. I applied to the court for access, but I had to see them in a contact centre because there were too many lies told about me. The atmosphere in that place was depressing. It broke me having to see them in that environment. I was not a bad father, certainly not the man she had portrayed me to be, but I was given rules of how to behave around my children, and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
The children were acting different towards me, quieter and afraid to speak. I just knew their mother was questioning them and telling them lies. She was deliberately trying to sabotage my relationship with them, and it was working. After a couple of visits, my children refused to see me anymore, and there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn’t their fault. I knew their mother influenced them, but it still left me devastated. I found out that she was in a relationship herself and the children had met him and been on holiday together. I had no issues that she’d moved on with a new relationship. It was none of my business. However, there was one rule for her and another for me.
Even though I was no longer in contact with my children, their mother continued to stalk me and spread vicious lies. It was one drama after another.
After a long and frustrating divorce, the papers were finally in, and ties were cut. I was stitched up financially, but I didn’t care. I was just relieved to be free from her. Although she was ordered by the court to keep me informed of the children’s address and school, she took them away to start a new life, making sure there was no way of me finding them. I had no choice but to let go and move on with my own life.
I did a lot of research into narcissistic abuse, which helped me understand what I'd gone through. If I’m honest, in the beginning, I thought all women were just difficult. I was wrong, though. Narcissists come with a set of traits that make it impossible to live a happy life. There are good women out there, and I was lucky enough to find one. I’m glad she got to meet the children, even if it was only once. We got married and started our own new life together, healing from our past and working towards our future.
As the years have passed, I always think of my children and how they’re doing, and I hope that someday we’ll have the opportunity for reconciliation when the time is right for them. I often wonder how many other good parents are out there who are separated from their children, all because they divorced a narcissistic parent? Unfortunately, I didn’t get the support I needed as no one in the authorities had a clue about narcissism and its effect on children. I hope this changes in the future for the sake of all children who are sadly caught up in the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
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