Healing from Trauma and Abuse from Toxic Relationships...
When we think of relationships, we imagine them filled with mutual love, joy and happiness. We strive for those wonderful feelings, and we thrive off them, believing that our story will become rich and meaningful. We start with all the right intentions, with our hearts full of love to give, and for a while, we believe there is something special going on.
Some of us will go on to live the fairy tale ending, some will take a darker and lonelier road, and others will find something in between the two. Relationships can build us up to our full potential and bring us peace during times of stress. They can also break us apart, damage our inner- spirit and strip away our true sense of self.
Any relationship can be toxic. Whether it’s your parents, siblings or other family members, friends, work colleagues, or an intimate partner, you will have an awareness that something feels off…
If you feel broken beyond repair and find it difficult to wear the mask of sanity, you may be suffering the side effects of a toxic relationship.
Here are 10 signs you have been damaged by a toxic relationship…
You Lack Trust in Everyone
We are often told that we need to trust others if we are to have fruitful relationships, and so we trust. But when that trust is broken, it sets off a trigger that sends our belief system into chaos. And when repeatedly broken, a message is sent to our unconscious mind that no one is trustworthy. When someone who claimed to love you broke your trust, it made you realise anyone could!
You Suffer from Mental Health Issues
You feel depressed and anxious and find it difficult to relax. The only time you find peace is when you are alone and away from other people. The harder you try to fix yourself, the worse your symptoms become. You’re told you are crazy and need help, and you buy into it. You genuinely believe you have lost all sanity, which makes you feel lost, lonely and suicidal. When someone who claimed to love you repeatedly labelled you as crazy, you end up believing it!
You Question Everyone’s Motives
This is closely linked with having trust issues, but it goes deeper down the rabbit hole. Not only do you lack trust in others, but you also start to question their intentions. You doubt your own judgement and everyone becomes a potential threat. A toxic relationship is not an honest one. You've been caught up in a web of lies and deception (gaslighted) and spun a bizarre fabricated story that got twisted over time, and eventually, you discovered the painful truth. When someone who claimed to love you deliberately and repeatedly deceived you for their own selfish reasons, then anyone could!
Your Inner Critic is Bullying You
You would never talk to anyone in the way you speak to yourself. You have lost your spirit, your spark has gone out, and you no longer like the person you are. You try to gain control and build some confidence, but you keep letting yourself down and have no idea how to re-invent yourself. It feels unnatural to be kind and loving to yourself, yet normal to rip yourself apart and sit in shame. When someone who claimed to love you, repeatedly criticised you, belittled you and told you you’re not worthy, you end up believing it’s true!
You Over-Analyse Past Events
You spend much time trying to make sense of past situations, picking them apart intricately, trying to figure out what went wrong? There are too many discrepancies that don’t add up. All the puzzle pieces won’t fit together, and no matter how hard you try to recall the who... how... when... where... and why? You end up right back at the beginning, feeling more confused. When someone who claimed to love you repeatedly played mind games (gaslighting), you search for answers hoping that you can find closure.
You've Become a People Pleaser and Have No Boundaries
You know precisely what it’s like to feel invisible and insignificant. And you also know what it’s like to feel important and wanted, so you go out of your way to be the person you want for yourself. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same as you, so you end up being taken for granted. Your kindness and time are given freely with love, yet rarely returned. When you try to place boundaries and say no, it feels out of character for you. When someone who claimed to love you tells you that you are selfish, uncaring, and unloving, you end up afraid of letting anyone down, in case they start thinking the same.
You Have Addictions
There’s always something that takes the pain away, and we usually know where to find it. In times of stress, you start to notice that you are turning to whatever eases the pain and gets you out of your ‘head’ for a while. It becomes part of your life like a crutch, and although you know it’s causing more harm than good, you convince yourself it’s okay as you’re still functioning. Anything that alleviates the pain can become an addiction, from alcohol and drugs to fitness and eating habits. When someone who claimed to love you puts painful memories in your mind, they become an emotional trigger, so you resort to negative coping patterns to erase them.
You’ve Built a Wall Around Your Heart
When a relationship has caused emotional pain so deep, you naturally start to protect yourself internally. The mind thinks that love has caused you pain, so it builds a wall around your heart. You begin to shut down your feelings until you are numb, and then you don’t know how you feel, which is worse. You’ve become distant from other people, and the thought of a new relationship terrifies you. When someone who claimed to love you repeatedly broke your heart, you do anything to prevent that feeling again.
Your General Health Has declined
You’ve built up a list of random symptoms affecting your health, but the doctor can’t find anything wrong with you, so they put it down to a mental health issue. You feel run-down and fatigued, even after having a long rest, and you suffer from aches and pains more often, without any reason for it. If you struggle with chronic health issues, you may have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) or fibromyalgia - a chronic pain disorder closely linked with past trauma. When someone who claimed to love you repeatedly abuses you, it puts you in a state of constant fear, which triggers the flight or fight response, sending out stress hormones (adrenaline and noradrenaline) into the bloodstream to prepare the body for action. When abuse continues over a prolonged period, it can dramatically affect your physical health.
You are Constantly Trying to Prove Yourself
You try to be a better person but feel like you keep failing everyone. Just when you are making progress, something trips you up, and your inner critic goes on overdrive. You push yourself harder than you would dare to suggest to anyone else. You try to convince yourself and other’s that you’re worthy ‘If I can just prove it to myself, then maybe I will fix how I feel inside’ but no matter how hard you focus on positivity, the negative creeps in and sabotages the gesture you were trying to achieve. When someone who claimed to love you failed to find value in you and personally attacked your character and smeared your name, it made you try harder to prove yourself in the hope of finding a sense of self-worth.
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